Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.