I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
You Might Also Like
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.