10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
i want to work in this restaurant
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?