Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.