baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
ouch
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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