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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Doctors texting each other.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Beware of the dog..
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.