Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
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Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.