People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.