Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.