everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Oops
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.