Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
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I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”