i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board