I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
wait.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
so, is there a mister shapen head
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?