[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.