I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?