Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.