HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT