My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Feel. He’s so soft.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.