I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!