Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Beware…..
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone