Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.