Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?