‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
You Might Also Like
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Still cracks me up
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.