wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
wow he looks just like him
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Phones down.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
a god among men
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go