U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”