handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.