Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.