I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*