THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Sponch
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is