Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda