Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
You Might Also Like
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
the answer was staring at me all along
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)