I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Wait a minute