This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register