My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
scared to check what name she chose
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.