There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
oppen heimer style lol
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Pot warmers of the day.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what