I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.