*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.