THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
A drum solo but on your face.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.