me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Hard not to take this personally
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.