Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so