I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.