Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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This meal prepping shit is easy
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling