Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Nothing.