i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
😂😂😂
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.