[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
3% human
97% stress
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.