My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
A Short Story.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe