Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My boss called in sick of me
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah