Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Wednesday
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.