Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”