Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL